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It’s been about a week since R.E.M. announced that they are disbanding.  After three decades, Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Peter Buck, and longtime manager Bertis Downs decided that it would be best to hang it up.  To most, this is inconsequential.  I saw people on Twitter saying stuff like “I didn’t even know R.E.M. were still together.”  Let’s face it, it’s been well over a decade since they made a record that really got people’s attention (arguably, Monster was the last album that did so, and that came out SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO).  But to fans like myself, and believe me, there’s lots of us, this is something we’d have to realize was coming sooner rather than later, and is most certainly nothing to be upset about.

R.E.M. have always done things their way.  Their initial contract with IRS Records, the way they recorded their music, the relentless touring, the refusal to do what was expected of them in the age of early MTV… they didn’t know it, but the band was establishing what the independent and alternative scenes of the 80’s and 90’s would look like, both musically, and as a business model.  Even after signing with Warner Brothers in the late 80’s, they tried to retain that independent spirit while having the advantage of guaranteed money.  Instead of spending it on cars, drugs, etc, they invested it in their music.  They took the early 90’s by storm with music that reached across radio formats but remained something all their own.  And just when the melodic and painstakingly arranged albums like Out of Time and Automatic for the People were looking like their hallmark, they turned around and put out two of the best hard rock albums of the decade in Monster and New Adventures In Hi Fi.

Part lies, part heart, part truth, part garbage.

When drummer Bill Berry retired in the late 90’s, it seemed like the end for the band.  Instead, the remaining three members quietly picked up the pieces and went in new directions.  They produced some of their best music to date over the next few years before beginning to burn out with Around the Sun.  This would only result in another return to form with two more triumphant albums.  R.E.M. always refused to stay down.  There was always a reason to get back up.  Now, months after the release of Collapse Into Now (which I’ll finally review soon) and the arrangement of a full retrospective album to be released in November, R.E.M. have decided that it’s time.

The decision is, once again, R.E.M. doing things their way.  Their latest contract with Warner Brothers (which, when signed, was the most lucrative record deal in history) has been fulfilled, they’re putting together a “definitive” hits collection of their own making, and they’re in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  What better time, then, to call it a day?

We’ll always have the music, the videos, and the memories.  Plenty of other great groups have had to quit under worse circumstances… much worse than any R.E.M. might have had to deal with.  That’s why I’m not upset.  I’m glad.  I’m glad that these guys, whose has been a huge part of my life, and influenced so much of what I like about music, will get to go out on their own terms.  We’re sure to see them here and there… Michael might lend his voice to someone here or there, Mike might do some of the same, and lord knows Peter likes to stay busy.

"This is my time and I am thrilled to be alive."

All good things must come to an end.  And I feel fine.

I’ve been a busy blogger as of late.  Actually, let me start over again.  I’m not writing enough to be considered a busy blogger, per se.  If I’m not actually blogging, the adjective “busy” doesn’t serve to properly modify the noun.

I’ve been a busy fella as of late.  That’s better.  I recently wrapped up a four week run with the gang at Stageloft, putting on Neil Simon’s Laughter on the 23rd Floor.  It’s a comedy that takes place in the writers’ room of a fictitious variety TV show in the Fifties.  The show they work on is in fact primarily based on Your Show of Shows, which featured the great Sid Caesar, where Simon got his start.  This premise seemed a good fit for me, as the film My Favorite Year (a very simliar premise) is quoted daily by my family.  This vicarious familiarity made it an intriguing show for me to go try out for, especially seeing as how I’d been seeing a lot of shows at Stageloft lately.  And if that wasn’t enough, I was handed sides to read at auditions for a character named Ira Stone, a hypochondiracal shlimil who was essentially  a cross between Woody Allen and George Costanza.  (Based on Mel Brooks, as it turns out.)

"Who knows if we'll have this much fun again in our entire lives?"

Doing this show was a blast.  Everyone involved was a true professional.  Working with an ensemble of talented people like you see up there is a very rewarding experience.  Along the way, I feel like I made a bunch of new friends.  And on top of it all, we received a FOUR STAR REVIEW in the Worcester Telegram and Gazette.  Huh… a thing like that.  I hate to toot my own horn, but I feel that I have to make light of this quote from Paul Kolas:

“Steve Caputo is wonderfully antic as Ira Stone, a hypochondriac who defends his imagined ailments with an especially sharp tongue. He challenges Bryan Swanda’s smoothly sarcastic Brian Doyle, the only gentile in the bunch, to a verbal contest over who can come up with the funniest names.
Watching Caputo and Swanda duke it out is one of the show’s high points.”

#humblebrag

Now it’s hard for me to look at the calendar and realize that the show’s run is over and it’s back to normal… or maybe it’s just time to do another show?  I’m getting auditions lined up for Christmas.

I don’t know about you, but the idea of robots telling us what to do (or else) isn’t my cup of tea.  Call me crazy, but I don’t really feel like waking up in the morning and finding out that my computer is sick of the whole “Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, repeat” routine and is now donating all of my money to some sort of singular cybernetic consciousness.  What the machines want with money, I don’t know, but I can only assume.

Today I was reading headlines and came across this article on CNN.  Basically, it’s a report that IBM has just built another chip that is just one step closer to being about as complex and quick as the human brain.  After reading it, I just sat there thinking, “There go those damn scientists again, rushing us towards extinction.”  I mean, haven’t these people ever seen The Matrix?  How about Battlestar Galactica? Or the Terminator movies?  They’re all geeks, so I’m sure they have.  I know that if I was a scientist, I’d be concentrating on something other than figuring out a way to be a real-life Miles Dyson.

Honey, I'm home!

Sure, it was all fun and games when we wanted to make a computer that could beat Russians at chess. We let it slide when Japan builds creepy robot women.  Hell, I’ve been playing StarCraft against the computer for ages.  But there comes a time when we have to take a serious look at this thing and ask ourselves, “What could possibly go wrong?”  The answer is EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING CAN GO WRONG.

To quote Eddie Vedder, “It’s evolution, babaaaay.”  One species gets smarter than another, and bad things happen.  This can be observed in the new documentary Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  Robots, monkeys, whatever.  This is bad shit, people.

I’ve been a bit busy as of late, and haven’t had the time to post like I’d like to.  So many ideas have come and gone, and I’m kinda angry about it, but on the bright side, I’ve actually had a bit on my plate lately.

I wanted to put up an image but didn't feel like uploading anything, so I picked something at random from my server. Who wins? Everybody.

For one thing, I’m doing more things that I enjoy on a more serious level.  I guess most importantly, I’m back into videography on a professional level.  I’ll write more on that soon, but let’s just say that it’s got some serious potential.  It’s “what I do” now.  I’m very excited about it… so excited, in fact, that I even do it in my spare time along with doing it as “work.”  I say it in quotations because it doesn’t feel like work.  It’s fun to me.  So I threw this together one afternoon a couple of weeks ago.

The beauty of it is, I shot all of that on my Canon Vixia HF200.  I’ve finally figured out a way to make the footage usable… all with free software.  You all know that I’m big on doing this stuff on the cheap, especially when it comes to computers.  I edited the video with Kdenlive, a great program that runs cross-platform, and is one of the best I’ve used on Ubuntu, period, let alone for video editing.  Once I’ve got the money for a new computer (PC or Mac, who knows?), Kdenlive is coming with me.

Aside of imagining myself a filmmaker again, I’m also very close to putting a new show on.  Stageloft is one of the best local theater groups going, and it’s an honor to be joining them for Laughter on the 23rd Floor, opening up on August 12th.  I’ll be sure to keep publicizing it on here and Facebook and everywhere else.

In fact, I’m going to cut this post short because I’m off to rehearsal in a bit.  Stay tuned in the near future for more.

It’s Independence Day, and here at NP1 that only means one thing… Live blogging the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island.  I’m starting to think that the best way to cover this thing might be to actually be there one of these days.

Mind you, I had to tear myself away from Rockyfest on AMC to do this.  Dedication.

JOEY DINED FOR YOUR SINS

12:00 – The show opens with the Master of Ceremonies pumping up the crowd on a rising cherry picker.  We’re stepping up our game this year, aren’t we?  I love this show.  It’s a muggy day down there… I wonder if that will factor into things?  Some pitchers are really good in the heat, like Tom Seaver.  Can you imagine anybody being capable of mowing down in that kinda heat?

12:03 – ESPN finally has their own booth there overlooking the event.  Renee Herlocker (Hurt Locker?) informs us that we’re going to have a seperate women’s competition.  WHAT?  I love this competition because they let the ladies compete right alongside the fellas.  Other sports this would work in: Golf, pool, bowling.  I mean, hell, if you check out Chikara Pro Wrestling, Sara Del Rey is in the running for their championship at the end of the year.

12:06 – So it turns out that they had the women’s competition already today, so we saw that on tape delay.  Sonya Thomas won with 40, Juliet Lee was tied for second with 29.

12:07 – Poll Question: Is competitive eating a sport?  I’ve already mentioned comic book-inspired pro wrestling, so I guess it is.

12:10 – The comptetitors are shown getting off the bus.  Joey is “hungry and happy.”  He’s going to do whatever it takes to win and perhaps best his world record.  I’m disappointed that he didn’t tell us what he had for breakfast.  HOLY COW, they’re shown eating in Bejing.  Eat a lot and see the world!

12:13 – Showing off the various techniques.  The Joey Hop, the Kobayashi, Dunking, the Axl Rose.  That’s exactly what it sounds like.

12:14 – Where’s Kobayashi, anyway?  He got taken away in handcuffs last year, apparently he’s nowhere to be seen this year.  The crowd is huge, tossing around a Pepto-Bismol branded beachball.  (I think they have a blimp there, I don’t believe it.  Actually, yeah, I do.)

12:18 – Paul Bertoletti video package.  He’s always goofy but certainly committed.  He’s made his way to the #2 spot in the world behind Joey.  He also once ate 275 jalepenos in 8 minutes.  My kinda guy.

12:22 – MyCleanPC will remove viruses and adware from your computer.  Just install our virus to get started!

12:24 – Well, it’s the Hangar One Vodka blimp.  Nick Cannon is the Honorary Grill Master.  He can eat four hot dogs.  I can eat more hot dogs than the star of Drumline. Pepto-branded thundersticks this year.

12:25 – SportScience is in on this.  Slow-mo chomping and slobbering for your viewing pleasure.  Competitive eaters can bite with 280 lbs of force.  Stomachs expand to hold up to four liters, from usually just one.  Good lord.

12:29 – Time to introduce our competitors.  Maybe they won’t screw up the timing this year.  Adrian Morgan looks like half the guys I went to college with and Pete Davekos looks like the other half.  Damon Wells’ claim to fame is eating a lot of gyoza.  I can pack those away like nobody’s business, so I doubt his ability.  There’s a lot of no-names here to fill out the lineup now that the ladies aren’t eating.  Matt Stonie is 18 and looks like a girl, though.  THE CHINESE ARE SENDING THEIR EATERS IN RED COMMUNIST JUMPSUITS.  While Rocky is fighting Ivan Drago on AMC, we’ve still got a fight against the Red Menace today on ESPN.   Bob Shoudt looks like David Wells at his worst.  Enter Bertoletti, he’s got this headband that he wrote “HENDERSON” on.  I don’t have any info on this.  Eater X was found unconscious in Tangier and raised in America to become one of the greatest eaters in the world.

12:37 – It’s Joey time.  He’s holding his belt high and looks to be in the zone.  He’s my age, makes me wonder what I ever did with my life.  ”I feel like an American eating machine.”  81% of people said that competitive eating is not a sport.  Well, nuts to you, then.  If you’re going to bother to respond to this question with a “no,” then why are you even watching?

12:43 – Rules are reviewed, and they’ve mentioned that you get a yellow card for “messy eating.”  Well, I highly doubt that there’s any actual table manners going on up there.

12:44 – IT HAS BEGUN!  Joey is just going balls to the wall right out of the gate.  Bertoletti’s got a couple on him already, though.  And Joey’s right back in front.  Holy crap, Bertoletti’s face just looks like a meat grinder right now.  ALEX BURROWS REFERENCE.  Minute and a half in and it’s neck and neck.  The new girl guy is not too far out of it, either.  2 minutes in and Joey’s ahead by one.  Already at 20.  Bertoletti seems to prefer red Kool Aid.  Eater X taking third.  3 minutes in and Joey’s got a two dog lead.  The Chinese guys are way too slow.  4 minutes in and it’s still close, but we’ve got a serious run at the record here.  ”EAT FASTER” yells Joey’s brother, Willie.  Halfway through and it’s 38 for Joey, 34 for Bertoletti.  Mention of Joey’s bursitis, which can be a hindrance (he’s an avid fisherman).  With 4 to go, Joey’s already up to 43!  The record is 68!  Look at these guys go.  3 minutes left, Joey’s got 49, Bertoletti is at 44, Eater X a respectable 34.  A good five-dog buffer, and he’s known for finishing strong.  2 to go… Joey with 54!  Officials just keep bringing in more platters.  Here we go, down to the home stretch, with a minute to go Joey’s 12 away from the record.  He hasn’t slowed down once.  Half a minute with 60!  I have heartburn just watching!  IT’S OVER!!!  Joey wins AGAIN!!!

Joey Chestnut – “The Phil Rizzuto of Risotto.”

12:58 – Final Count:  Joey Chestnut 62, Paul Bertoletti 53, Tim “Eater X” Janus 45.  Joey says that he didn’t start as fast as he wanted and “had a little trouble with the water.”  He fought through it, though, and he’s won for the FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW.

Another thrilling event.  I can’t think of a better way to celebrate our great nation’s sovereignty.  USA!  USA!  USA!

My old pal Bill sent in this shot of himself in a brand new Data T-Shirt!

"It occurs to me that this would have been even funnier if I had been laughing as well."

And NP1′s sphere of influence balloons to encompass our nation’s capital!

I have plenty of time to think about stupid crap these days, and when it’s cold and rainy in late June, that tends to happen more than usual.  So, while reading an article about how there are approximately two billion planets like ours in the Milky Way, my mind drifted towards – what else - Star Trek.

I can remember a question back when Star Trek: Voyager got its unfortunate start: aren’t you guys running out of room in the galaxy to meet new aliens?  Of course, the premise of Voyager (and even the superior Deep Space Nine, to a degree) put it simply: of course not.  But it was an idea that stuck in the back of my mind throughout the years.  Eventually, the Federation and other factions in the Star Trek universe are going to run out of places to visit.  After seeing the above article, I realize once again that they’ve barely scratched the surface, if you were to take any Star Trek map seriously.

Fig 1: The relative size of territories in the Alpha and Beta Quadrants indicates th-NEEEEEEERRRRRRRD

Once a question gets answered, though, you tend to end up with more questions.  What I’m pondering now is, how come the only place in the galaxy that you meet all sorts of aliens in one place is the United Federation of Planets?  As you may know (or not, if you have a life), the UFP is the Roddenberrian utopia in which everybody gets along, nobody needs to work a day job, and everyone is on the metric system.  Strangely, there’s only one planet where they still play baseball.  In the UFP, you’ve got humans, Vulcans, Andorians, Bolians, Tellarites, Betazoids, and countless other races living together in perfect harmony.  Essentially, as the Federation expands, they treat everyone they come across with an “I’m okay, you’re okay” attitude and ask them to join their club.  If yes, cool, if not, no big deal.

Meanwhile, there’s other reaches of the galaxy where you’ve got the stock “other races,” like the Klingons, Romulans, Cardassians, the Borg, etc.  Not all of these are “bad guys,” but they’ve got quite a bit of territory and differing ideologies.  What I’m beginning to realize is, whenever you see the bridge of a Klingon ship, you only see Klingons.  Same for the rest of the guys I listed.  What does this say about their modus operandi?  It varies per race, of course.  The Klingons are kind of like vikings, getting into fights and singing songs around campfires, but they’ve still got families at home.  The Romulans are Vulcans who got fed up with the whole “you can only have sex once every seven years” thing and adopted a Roman aesthetic.  The Cardassians are like the Greeks – Athenian home life with Spartan discipline everywhere else.  But we hardly ever see other alien races within their ranks.  I remember a guy from the Federation defecting to the Romulan Empire once, but that was actually better for a laugh than anything.

You have to assume that, like the UFP, these other races encountered different aliens as they expanded.  What happens to them?  When it comes to say, the Borg, they just Borgify you and that’s it.  The Cardassians enslaved people, most notably the Bajorans; this was one of the major plot devices at the start of DS9.  The Klingons aren’t into such things and are above genocide as well.  The Romulans, however, put the genetically similar Remans into labor camps for decades, so who knows what would happen to someone they don’t look like?

Finally, an excuse to use this joke.

Curiously, there’s one major faction that allowed other races to serve among their ranks, the Dominion.  Unlike the UFP, however, the Dominion were solely motivated by power.  Their methods included diplomacy, as well as infiltration and manipulation; when those didn’t work, they conquered you.  On the surface they appeared to be another example of harmonious living.  Instead, it was an interstellar facist state controlled through fear – by a mysterious group of aliens who convinced their subordinates of being gods.

Maybe a lot of this can be attributed to the fact that the whole of the Star Trek canon has been developed over several decades, and with each era comes different motivations.  Like all good sci-fi, Trek has been holding a mirror to the important issues of the day.  The Klingon conflicts represented Cold War relations with the Russians (watch Star Trek VI for the happy ending), the Romulans were born out of race relations and took off from there, and so forth.  DS9 used Bajor as a stand-in for the Middle East – politically and theologically – throughout its run.  The Borg were just scary all around.

What I’m trying to say is, from the writing standpoint, all of these races were intended to be broad.  When the story continues to develop, though, you have to develop the groups that are involved.  Why didn’t we get to see varied ranks on other ships?  Because the writers didn’t think of it.  Yes, even when you take it that seriously, you’ve got to remember: it’s just a TV show.

"Here's your toll, Troll."

EDIT: Now is as good a time as ever to point out that Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia looks just like this guy.

In an effort to increase sales of NP1 T shirts, I’ve decided to ratchet up the advertising machine.  After plenty of focus group work, self-amusement, and ice cream sandwiches, this is what I came up with:

I’m waiting to hear about my Clio award.

In all seriousness, this was something I had kicking around in my head for a week or two but finally got around to doing yesterday.  I knew that I’d only be able to throw this together with just my regular digital camera and Windows Movie Maker.  I had forgotten exactly how bad Movie Maker was until I started working with it again.  Still, knowing its limitations and quirks, I worked a lot of it into the final product.  Buy enough shirts and I can get a new computer to edit the AVCHD from my Vixia.

Back a couple of months ago, I posted rather cryptically about looking for Inspirado and talking about a one-hit wonder.  Now, you know why.

If you click on the face of the gone-but-not-forgotten Pauly Fuemana, you’ll be reading my debut column for The Pulse, a great lifestyle and entertainment magazine based in beautiful Worcester.  You can also pick up a hard copy for free anywhere in the Worcester area.  Hopefully, I’ll continue to contribute and maybe even get noticed.

Thanks to Lara for giving me a shot.  Does this mean I’m a writer now?

Okay, okay, I’m not selling out.  You asked for it, you got it.  In celebration of the tenth anniversary of NP1 (you read that correctly), I’m unveiling the site’s first t-shirt.

Not tested on animals.

Click on the image to head on over to the new “NP1 Shirt Depository” and get yourself one of these snazzy little numbers.  Featuring beefy cotton and the always-popular Futura font, this shirt will be a great conversation piece and remain relevant for years to come.  A sound investment for any upper-body apparel collector.

More to come, I’ve got all sorts of crazy ideas.