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It’s Independence Day, and here at NP1 that only means one thing… Live blogging the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from Coney Island.  I’m starting to think that the best way to cover this thing might be to actually be there one of these days.

Mind you, I had to tear myself away from Rockyfest on AMC to do this.  Dedication.

JOEY DINED FOR YOUR SINS

12:00 – The show opens with the Master of Ceremonies pumping up the crowd on a rising cherry picker.  We’re stepping up our game this year, aren’t we?  I love this show.  It’s a muggy day down there… I wonder if that will factor into things?  Some pitchers are really good in the heat, like Tom Seaver.  Can you imagine anybody being capable of mowing down in that kinda heat?

12:03 – ESPN finally has their own booth there overlooking the event.  Renee Herlocker (Hurt Locker?) informs us that we’re going to have a seperate women’s competition.  WHAT?  I love this competition because they let the ladies compete right alongside the fellas.  Other sports this would work in: Golf, pool, bowling.  I mean, hell, if you check out Chikara Pro Wrestling, Sara Del Rey is in the running for their championship at the end of the year.

12:06 – So it turns out that they had the women’s competition already today, so we saw that on tape delay.  Sonya Thomas won with 40, Juliet Lee was tied for second with 29.

12:07 – Poll Question: Is competitive eating a sport?  I’ve already mentioned comic book-inspired pro wrestling, so I guess it is.

12:10 – The comptetitors are shown getting off the bus.  Joey is “hungry and happy.”  He’s going to do whatever it takes to win and perhaps best his world record.  I’m disappointed that he didn’t tell us what he had for breakfast.  HOLY COW, they’re shown eating in Bejing.  Eat a lot and see the world!

12:13 – Showing off the various techniques.  The Joey Hop, the Kobayashi, Dunking, the Axl Rose.  That’s exactly what it sounds like.

12:14 – Where’s Kobayashi, anyway?  He got taken away in handcuffs last year, apparently he’s nowhere to be seen this year.  The crowd is huge, tossing around a Pepto-Bismol branded beachball.  (I think they have a blimp there, I don’t believe it.  Actually, yeah, I do.)

12:18 – Paul Bertoletti video package.  He’s always goofy but certainly committed.  He’s made his way to the #2 spot in the world behind Joey.  He also once ate 275 jalepenos in 8 minutes.  My kinda guy.

12:22 – MyCleanPC will remove viruses and adware from your computer.  Just install our virus to get started!

12:24 – Well, it’s the Hangar One Vodka blimp.  Nick Cannon is the Honorary Grill Master.  He can eat four hot dogs.  I can eat more hot dogs than the star of Drumline. Pepto-branded thundersticks this year.

12:25 – SportScience is in on this.  Slow-mo chomping and slobbering for your viewing pleasure.  Competitive eaters can bite with 280 lbs of force.  Stomachs expand to hold up to four liters, from usually just one.  Good lord.

12:29 – Time to introduce our competitors.  Maybe they won’t screw up the timing this year.  Adrian Morgan looks like half the guys I went to college with and Pete Davekos looks like the other half.  Damon Wells’ claim to fame is eating a lot of gyoza.  I can pack those away like nobody’s business, so I doubt his ability.  There’s a lot of no-names here to fill out the lineup now that the ladies aren’t eating.  Matt Stonie is 18 and looks like a girl, though.  THE CHINESE ARE SENDING THEIR EATERS IN RED COMMUNIST JUMPSUITS.  While Rocky is fighting Ivan Drago on AMC, we’ve still got a fight against the Red Menace today on ESPN.   Bob Shoudt looks like David Wells at his worst.  Enter Bertoletti, he’s got this headband that he wrote “HENDERSON” on.  I don’t have any info on this.  Eater X was found unconscious in Tangier and raised in America to become one of the greatest eaters in the world.

12:37 – It’s Joey time.  He’s holding his belt high and looks to be in the zone.  He’s my age, makes me wonder what I ever did with my life.  ”I feel like an American eating machine.”  81% of people said that competitive eating is not a sport.  Well, nuts to you, then.  If you’re going to bother to respond to this question with a “no,” then why are you even watching?

12:43 – Rules are reviewed, and they’ve mentioned that you get a yellow card for “messy eating.”  Well, I highly doubt that there’s any actual table manners going on up there.

12:44 – IT HAS BEGUN!  Joey is just going balls to the wall right out of the gate.  Bertoletti’s got a couple on him already, though.  And Joey’s right back in front.  Holy crap, Bertoletti’s face just looks like a meat grinder right now.  ALEX BURROWS REFERENCE.  Minute and a half in and it’s neck and neck.  The new girl guy is not too far out of it, either.  2 minutes in and Joey’s ahead by one.  Already at 20.  Bertoletti seems to prefer red Kool Aid.  Eater X taking third.  3 minutes in and Joey’s got a two dog lead.  The Chinese guys are way too slow.  4 minutes in and it’s still close, but we’ve got a serious run at the record here.  ”EAT FASTER” yells Joey’s brother, Willie.  Halfway through and it’s 38 for Joey, 34 for Bertoletti.  Mention of Joey’s bursitis, which can be a hindrance (he’s an avid fisherman).  With 4 to go, Joey’s already up to 43!  The record is 68!  Look at these guys go.  3 minutes left, Joey’s got 49, Bertoletti is at 44, Eater X a respectable 34.  A good five-dog buffer, and he’s known for finishing strong.  2 to go… Joey with 54!  Officials just keep bringing in more platters.  Here we go, down to the home stretch, with a minute to go Joey’s 12 away from the record.  He hasn’t slowed down once.  Half a minute with 60!  I have heartburn just watching!  IT’S OVER!!!  Joey wins AGAIN!!!

Joey Chestnut – “The Phil Rizzuto of Risotto.”

12:58 – Final Count:  Joey Chestnut 62, Paul Bertoletti 53, Tim “Eater X” Janus 45.  Joey says that he didn’t start as fast as he wanted and “had a little trouble with the water.”  He fought through it, though, and he’s won for the FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW.

Another thrilling event.  I can’t think of a better way to celebrate our great nation’s sovereignty.  USA!  USA!  USA!

I know, I’m just as sick of this crap as the rest of you.  Every day it’s the same: snow.  And then there’s gonna be more of it in a day or two.  It won’t stop any time soon.

The common question going around now is, “Where are they gonna put all this snow???”  I hear this every single day from people.  The only solution I can come up with is to send in the National Guard… with flamethrowers.  Melt/sublimate the excess.  Problem solved.

By the way, this happened to me a week ago but I’m only getting around to putting it on NP1 now:

So there’s that.  Punxutawney Phil is going to be making the rounds tomorrow.  Here’s hoping that little bastard has some good news for us.

I guess you could say I started my Christmas shopping today.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I have done some shopping thus far, but today was the first time that I walked into an establishment and actually said to myself, “I am Christmas Shopping now.”  Not out loud, that’s weird.

This year has been kinda tough for me to get myself in the Christmas mood.  This is the opposite of last year, when I was in the Christmas mood starting sometime in October.  Playing Kris Kringle had a lot to do with this, but it also gave me the excuse of being “really busy” when it came to my incredible lack of shopping through most of the usual retail season.  This year, not so much.  I feel like the year went by far too quickly, moreso than usual.  I haven’t played any Christmas music on the radio because I know that I’m going to be sick of it very quickly.  Plus, I haven’t seen any snow.  Not that I’m looking for it, but snow always gives you that little boost when it comes to getting into the spirit of things.

So back to the shopping.  I hate doing it.  Most of us do.  But I do it anyway, mostly because I want to present people I love with neat stuff on a predetermined day.  I assume that I could shower my loved ones with all sorts of paraphernalia whenever I want.  If only I could come up with something to get them, and mind you, I don’t have kids.

Therein lies Problem Number One.  I can’t shop for anyone, ever.  If you don’t tell me what you want, then you’re probably getting a gift card.  That’s what was so easy about the way we’re doing our Secret Santa at work this year.  We decided to put together a big list of everyone’s names and put down three $25ish items so that our Secret Santa could tell what we wanted without dropping hints for three weeks.  Never mind the fact that everyone in the office will find out who has who after two days of deduction, anyway.  Everyone’s list pretty much boiled down to making their third choice for a gift a “Dunkin’ Card.”

Tell me what you want or I'll have Santa tell you what you want.

Problem Number Two is “the crowds.”  I have never, ever encountered a crowd of people while Christmas shopping, but there’s still a lingering fear of having it happen.  Being short, this is not an appealing situation to be in, and I’ve been to plenty of rock concerts, so I know what I’m talking about.

The third and final thing I hate about going out to shop, especially at malls, is the way that those temporary kiosks  go up.  You know that the pressure is on to buy once you start seeing these people selling their useless wares, and you know that you just might be desperate enough to talk to one of these people by December 23rd.  They’re not shy about it, either.  You need to put on your best Manhattan Blinders to avoid some of them.  Some guy selling electronic cigarettes will assault you out of your blind spot, going “HEY LEMME ASK YOU A QUESTION!”  You can either give them the cold shoulder, or come back with a clever quip.  If a hot girl selling perfume/lotion/armoatherapy candles asks you if you have a girlfriend, you just say, “Why, are you available?” and then run when her boyfriend, who runs the stand with her, comes after you.

These people will also try to demonstrate their products, whether you want them to or not.  Some jackass was trying to trip people with a remote controlled car while someone else divebombed people with a little helicopter thing.  Be aware of people with puppets, as well.  I haven’t seen them yet, but they’re out there.

Good luck to all of you this Christmas shopping season.  None of this will matter Christmas morning if you’re doing Christmas right.  In my book, it’s all about spending time with your loved ones, not spending money on them.

So let’s think about what I’ve been thankful for lately, seeing as how it’s only Thanksgiving for another hour or so.

For one, I’m thankful for my family and my friends.  This is a seemingly boiler-plate, perhaps “safe” thing to say, but it’s an honest-to-goodness answer.  My friends are my family, my family are my friends.  I’m lucky to have so many people that I know and care about and feel cared for back.  I can laugh with my family just as I can with my closest pals.  I can get on a plane and visit friends I haven’t seen in a couple of years and feel at home.  I was at a local bar last night for the big Thanksgiving Eve get together, and I saw everyone I know.  Legitimately, about three people I expected to see were not there.  I saw everyone else, as well as a few I did not expect, and when you tally them up it was at least fifty people.  And the great part of it is that I like all of them.  There wasn’t a single “I oughta punch him in the face” moment all night, or “I’d rather not be seeing her right now” moment, either.  This goes for other areas of my life, too.  The folks at work are some of the only people I can imagine wanting to drive a half hour to be with.  The Theater Guild is growing and I love everyone involved there, too.

Speaking of work, I’m thankful for Commerce Bank and everyone who makes it a great company.  For instance, everyone got a turkey again this year.  ”Big deal,” you might say.  Well let me tell you something, Duddie has the turkey hook-up.  I will admit that I think that turkey is a chore to eat.  I find it bland and not far from being a glorified chicken.  This was the best bird I’ve had in ages.  And it’s not just turkeys.  Any time I run into the higher-ups at Commerce, I am reminded of why I like being there: they care about everyone who works there, as well as the customer.  Sometimes I wonder why I am still in banking, but I never wonder why the bank I work for is Commerce.

I’m attending two parties because of the bank alone (the company party, as well as our own branch party).  I’m thankful that the holiday season is now in full swing, because it means more parties are on their way.  That means more time with friends and loved ones.  See the theme here?

No introduction necessary.

I’m thankful that the Macy’s Day Parade still features this Spider-Man balloon.  Ever since I was a kid I got excited when he floated on by.  I still do.

And I’m thankful for you, dear readers.  Thanks for the encouragement, thanks for the ideas, thanks for reading.

Guess what, America?  Amid all of the parades, pool parties, and fireworks displays, there’s a party going down in one of the happiest corners of the Earth, New York’s Coney Island.  Just like last year, I’m going to do my best to caputre the event as I see it.  Can Joey Chestnut continue to do his nation proud on her 234th birthday, or will a new champion rise?

Fun fact: 669.25 hot dogs were eaten in total by all of last year’s competitors.

Hail to the King.

11:58:  Started this.  SportsCenter is showing the first of the pre-game material.  Joey Chestnut is, of course, the favorite, and they showed him limbering up by massaging his esophagus.  Have you EVER heard someone talk about massaging an esophagus?  Anyway, seems that Kobayashi is NOT going to be competing this year.  Something tells me that this is a fake-out.  Then again, I refused to believe that Eddie Guerrero was dead and I thought it was all a ruse to bring him back at WrestleMania.  Then he’d have come out in the middle of the thing and go up to whoever he was feuding with at the time and go, “Thought I was dead, right?  Well guess what, homes?  I lieeeeed!”  That never happened, he was actually dead.  But I digress.

12:03:  Kobayashi is at a “labor impass” with the competitive eating people.  Seeing how much they’re talking about this, I think they’re working up to a last minute swoop-in by Kobayashi.  They just had a graphic comparing Michael Phelps’ daily intake to Joey’s 68 dogs from last year.  Joey ate more than twice the calories Mike did.

12:07:  Heinz is, once again, sponsoring this shindig.  Last week I received the greatest interpretation of the “no ketchup” rule.  “Never put pureed tomato on pureed meat.” – Caitlin Sullivan

12: 11:  The guys and gals just got off the bus.  I love that they get a police escort.  Joey looks confident as ever, but not cocky.  This crowd is absolutely enormous.  I thought last year was huge, but this is ridiculous.  And they brought vuvuzelas.  Tim Janus and Pat Bertoletti are my picks as Joey’s real competition.

12:15:  ESPN 3D ad.  Can you imagine this event in 3D?  I’d rather not.

12:17:  I missed the number to text whether you think the record will fall today.  I think it will, because I think it’s been broken every year for the last five or six years.  Oh, there’s a graphic… It’s pretty close to it.  I guess two years ago there was a dip, probably because of the legendary “eat off.”

12:19:  Piece on eating techniques.  ”Tokyo Style” vs. “The Bean Bag.”  Tokyo Style is when you separate the bun and the dog, dunking the bun while you chow the dog.  Remember, you can only dunk for five seconds.  I’d hate to have a controversial dunking penalty stand in the way of a new record, like a close call at first on the 27th out of a perfect game.  Bean Bag is when you do the jump-up-and-down thing Joey does.

12:23:  There’s a new guy by the name of Bob Shoudt who has apparently beaten Joey a few times in the past year (in other events, not hot dogs).  Intriguing.  He doesn’t look like a threat, though.

12:25:  The eaters will be making their way down “The Gauntlet” on their way to the stage this year, getting up close and personal with the fans.  Very nice.  I just hope they all get escorts so as not to slow things down.  This shit’s got a schedule to keep.

12:30:  I hear Thomas Dolby, and that means it’s time to start introducing the competitors.  Crazy Legs Conti looks like he’s just happy to be there.  Dude’s not in it to win it anymore, but without him, it just wouldn’t feel the same.  Some guy with a mannequin head.  Badlands Booker is already sweating through his shirt.  I love how they make Sonya “Black Widow” Thomas out to be evil.  Fran says “This is the only time she eats, I think.”  Pat Bertoletti is awesome.  Tim Janus is ready.  Joey is looking pumped, “Baba O’Reilly” once again.  That belt gets nicer every year.  Looks like it’s actually worth something now.  The crowd is going NUTS.  This is going to be nothing short of epic.

12: 42:  Kobayashi is in the crowd!  I feel like they’re coaxing him out of there.  He looks like he’s going to an AFI concert.

12:43:  UNDERWAY!  Joey is just going for it right out of the gate.  Crazy Legs is wearing the Snorricam this time.  Joey is in the lead after a minute by 3.  Now 4.  Janus is doing a helluva job.  Black Widow’s technique requires a warning before they cut to her, I think.  2. 5 minutes in, Joey’s still got the lead.  Sonya’s closing in on the top 3.  Bertoletti’s pacing himself but he hasn’t been in the running thus far.  Joey’s doing 7.5 DPM (Dogs Per Minute) right now.  Bertoletti’s in 3rd after 4 minutes.  Looks very very hot down there, hope this doesn’t pose a problem.  Joey’s slowing down a bit.  Not on pace for 70 halfway through… but he could still pull it off.  Kobayashi is still looking intense in the crowd.  Those judges are right in the blow-zone.  Joey’s got a 9 dog lead on Janus with 4 minutes to go.  He’s just plowing through.  Janus is doing his best… maybe a little too good.  Some just came out of his nose.  Shake it off, Tim!  Lots of chants for Joey.  About a minute to go, and it’s no contest.  Joey just needs to coast.  ”Barring a reversal” he’ll walk away with it.  Wait, there he goes!  He’s bringing it on home!  It’s over!

12:53:  Joey starts chugging the Pepto.  Gotta say, without Kobayashi, this was kind of boring.  No head-to-head, down-to-the-wire action.  Final tally gives Joey 54, Janus 45, and Bertoletti 37.

12:57:  Post-meal interview,  Joey says he didn’t drink enough water and he was feeling a little dehydrated.  On Kobayashi: “If he was a real man, he’d be on the stage.”  OH SNAP.  You gonna take that, Kobayashi?  Are you?

Well, good show all around, but it was missing that edge-of-your seat feeling.  But where else can you do this?  Where but in America?  Nowhere.

EDIT:  Kobayashi was arrested after the competition!  Go check it out for yourself. He still has that Gary Oldman in The Fifth Element look to him.

Well, here we are.  Christmas has arrived once again.  Thank God.  I couldn’t stand to put up with the continued emphasis on shopping, while we’re still living in a recession.  That’s why I’m happy that when I talk to all of my friends, they all say the same thing: all we want is time with the people we love.  That’s what Christmas really means to me.  Sure, the fact that I was Kris Kringle might be shining through, but it’s true.  Let everyone know how much you care.  If you care enough, you show your love with a gift of some sort.  It shouldn’t be because it’s expected of you.  It should be because you want to.  One of my co-workers said it best.  “Christmas should be like Thanksgiving, only better.”  And I agree.

The other thing I hate about Christmas is wrapping the presents.  Every year I get the idea into my head that I’m good at it, but the exact opposite is the truth.  But the fact that I’ve made it a tradition of my own to watch The Big Lebowski when I wrap makes it a little easier.  I didn’t have many presents to wrap, so this year I only got up to the part where The Dude meets Maude.  A couple of years ago I managed to do the whole film, but those were simpler times, when we all knew what we wanted for Christmas and Billy Mays could get it for us.  We’ve lost our innocence, in a way.

Well, I hope you all have a great Christmas.  Just remember, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.